Now I lay me down to sleep, a bottle of vodka at my feet, if I shall die before I wake tell my friends I drank it straight.

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the time he killed himself.

Thought when sober, said when drunk.

I read about the evils of drinking so I gave up reading.

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sssoooo, lets all get drunk, and go to heaven.

Time is never wasted when youre wasted all the time.

24 hours in a day 24 beers in a case coincidence? I think not.

No son, you don't want to drink beer. Thats for daddies, and kid's with fake ID's.

to alcohol! The cause of, and solution too, all of lifes problems.

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

I am awake, I might as well be drinking.

When life hands you lemons, bust out the tequilla and salt!

I'm old enough know better but young enough not to care.

How come dumb stuff seems so smart while you're doing it.

It's only illegal if you get caught.

I remember times I had. Some were happy, some were sad. Memories, me and my partners in crime. Throwing up a thousand times.

If God dropped acid would he see people?

If life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, then lets get wasted and have the time of our lives.

Good friends get drunk with you. Best friends hold your hair back when you've had a bit too much to drink.

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Half of life is fucking up - the other half is dealing with it.

Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.

People dislike alcoholics, but they still drink at parties. People sit in non-smoking section in restaurants, but still enjoy the occasional nicotine jolt. People have strong feelings against self-injurers, but they also take all their emotions out on other people.

Enjoy yourself. These are the good old days you're going to miss in the years ahead.

When you're drinking whiskey - you don't know where you're gonna wake up but you know you won't have any pants on- Dave Attell

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO- HOO what a ride!